Wednesday, December 14, 2016

A woodworking shitnado

Starting this blog to document the many mishaps I encounter while trying to shape wood into things that could be considered furniture.

My wife and I just purchased a home and moved in this past July. The house is great but it's pretty empty. So let's go look at some furniture! Here is where a lot of things can go wrong.

You see, I don't know shit about woodworking. Ok ok, I know how to use a drill and how to hammer a nail. But I take shortcuts and I'm okay with that. You know when you start to hammer a nail into a piece of wood and at the 2nd to last strike, the friggen nail would bend sideways. What do you do?

I know what you may be thinking, "You must have built SOMETHING". Alright, you got me. I once built some shelves for my wife. But real talk, it was just four pieces of wood nailed together. Don't get excited.

Action shot 1 - 12/18/2011
Action shot 2 - 12/18/2011


We would go and look at dining/coffee tables. To save you some time, here are some tips on how to evaluate tables:
  1. Bend down and get eye level with the table. If you get really close, people will think you know what's up. You don't really but they don't know that. 
  2. Circle around the table a few times while running your hand along the edge. Nod your head and make "not bad" faces.
  3. Say things like, "Ya, this is pretty good" or "I like how they did the supports". If you wanna get fancy, say things like "the aprons on this table could be a little tighter". What does that mean? I have no idea. Who cares? You'll sound like a real pro.
  4. Look at the price tag and be floored. Think to self, I can quit my job and just build/sell tables.
  5. Question the structural integrity of the table. "Is the table really worth $xxx?". Proceed to shake the table to simulate earthquakes without sales people noticing. If you can lift one of the corners, immediately walk away.
  6. Leave store and brag to wife on how you could make that same table.
I quickly found that most tables are SUPER EXPENSE and convinced myself it would be cheaper to build one.

Instead of going full ham on a dining table, my wife suggested starting with something smaller like a coffee table.


Oh I'll show you. Stay tuned.

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